**Eastern european voice** An epidemic is at hand people everywhere are texting, typing, touching and stroking their Blackberry devices, but do not allow your girlfriends to get caught up in this fad, here is why:

1) Blackberries are essentially a business phone, so if she has one, then she’s likely to be business minded, i.e. she’ll prioritise it over you. Resulting in her being stressed around the house, leading to stroppy behaviour from her leading to an unbecoming response from you resulting in No Sexytime.

2) Blackberries are essentially very masculine, the only feminine ones are the new curve and the pearl, both of which are not worthwhile investments. If we are to call a spade a spade, then quite frankly, they are shit.

3) “R” & “D” – Those two letters will be your enemies. The Read and Delivered message statuses will mean she’ll know when you’re avoiding her messages. No longer will you be able to use my favourite excuses ”Sorry babe, I’ve been busy and just haven’t read it” or **surprised voice** “Oh really, you sent me a message, I must not have received it.” What’s more if you take too long replying her messages she’ll just irritate you with PINGs.

4) Friends – Normally if you’re out on a date and you ogle other women, she’ll be offish, then bitch about you when the date is done, but with a Blackberry she’ll be PINGing everyone under your nose and before you know it there’ll be group convos dedicated to how much of a mug you are. Trust me women do this shit, I’ve seen it.

b) God forbid you actually want to spend quality time with her… It’s a cool summers evening and you’re in central London on the banks of the Thames. There’s a Shepard’s sky decorated with the most beautiful stars and the music of a violinist in the backdrop accompanied by the gentle swishing of the river. You kiss her neck, take her hand in yours, reach into your pocket and go down on one knee. You open your mouth “Babe, we’ve been going out a while now and you’ve made my li…PING in comes news that her friends mum has died and your proposal is in pieces.

5) Men are dogs - You know this and I know this. As long as she has a Blackberry there will always, ALWAYS be at least one guy feeding her sweet nothings on BBM with the aspiration of dethroning you. It just takes the right guy, with the right words. Protect your throne.

6) Bad Omen - Your phone says a lot about you; a Blackberry says a lot about your status and your expectations for life. A Blackberry says you’re in control. Ultimately if your girlfriend has a Blackberry it means she will be wearing the trousers in your relationship.

7) She’ll love it more than she loves you. It can comfort her when she’s sad, it’s good looking, smooth, sensitive to touch and vibrates.

So what do you do if your girlfriend says she wants a Blackberry?? Sweet talk her out of it. Be like “Babe, you know how much I love you right, and how I like you to have the best, well Blackberries are good and all but the iPhone is best. So I’m going to be getting you one of those instead. If your girlfriend is a really stubborn bitch and questions your reasoning then pause, consider whether it’s really worth being with her and if it is then say the following. “Babe, it’s like this… the guy you could have gone out with (insert name here) is a Blackberry and me the one you are going out with, I’m an iPhone. Pause. Are you gonna choose him over me?”

Nuff said.

It’s been nice having your attention, My name’s Caesar and I’ll be on this site for the rest of my life.

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